The successful negotiator
You ask your boss for a pay increase, rent an apartment or discuss with friends where to go for lunch. Every day in some way you work out agreements with people. Yet too often we accept too much without question. Price tags can be changed, lease and policies can be flexible. Anything is negotiable if you are willing to take the necessary risks. Negotiating is a skill, and - like any skill - it can be learned.
Types of negotiation
Most negotiations end in one of these ways:
Win-Win: Both parties come out of the negotiation satisfied, knowing that neither has taken advantage of the other and that both have profited personally and professionally from the transaction.
Win-Lose: One party wins at the other's expense. The successful negotiator feels good about the negotiation, but the other doesn't.
Lose-Lose: Both parties reach an agreement, but neither feels good about the outcome.
The first outcome is the most productive and practical. In win/win negotiations, both parties are aware of other's needs and wants, and actually work to fulfil those needs and wants. Each party is willing to give up a certain amount in order to achieve the desired results. When the negotiating is finished, both parties walk away as pleased and contented friends.
Negotiating a win/win situation requires that you know your priorities, the other party's priorities, and the options and areas in which you will be able to compromise.
Knowing what you want
To negotiate successfully, you first must have a thorough understanding of the conflict or problem you are trying to resolve. Perhaps your business is booming and you need to expand your office space; you would like to lease a neighbouring office, but it is already occupied. Or you want to holiday in the Caribbean, while your spouse prefers skiing in Europe. Maybe you could use a salary increase. Or perhaps your friend is demanding too much of your time lately, and you would like some time to yourself. When you have clearly identified the conflict or problem you will be able to start resolving it.
Knowing what the other party wants
Once you know your own position, you must learn the other party's position. What does the other party want or need? What is their point of view? Perhaps the occupants of the office space you would like to lease are not happy with its location but are pleased with the low rent they are paying.
Be sure to probe for hidden reasons, also. Usually you and the other party will each have several reasons for your ultimate goal. Be sure to know the other side's priorities, as well. For example, maybe the business next door is not happy with its location but, due to financial problems, it cannot bear the expense of moving at this time. Knowing priorities and hidden situations allows you to think of things you could do or say to make them receptive to your plan. When you make an effort to understand and empathise with the position of the other party, it is easier to establish rapport. But avoid making judgements. This may put the other party on the defensive and resistant to you and your ideas.
Likewise, make sure the opposing party is aware of your wants, needs, problems and concerns, too. They need to see and empathise with your problem as well. But don't appear to be putting your needs and wants ahead of theirs or you will put them on the defensive.
Knowing options
Once you understand your own position and that of the other party, you are able to develop your win/win strategy. This strategy requires you to develop alternatives to meet the needs of both parties.
For example, as you have decided that the present location of your business is ideal, you would like to lease the office next door for some additional space. To persuade the current occupant to move, your next step is to generate some options that would give you the space you want and yet benefit the other party as well. Some possible options include offering to pay moving expenses, helping the business find another suitable location at the same cost, and/or paying the first month's rent at the other party's site of relocation. And always be ready to compromise in some areas if the other party is hesitant to accept your plan or offer.
Leading the discussion
Once you have analysed the situation, you are ready to seriously negotiate. Keep the discussion in the win/win mode. Begin by offering one of your options and then describe how the other party will benefit from this option. Avoid making the other party appear to concede or lose; emphasise that you are trying to find a mutually agreeable solution. Make the other party feel that it is really gaining more than it is giving up. Continue offering options if necessary.
The other party may also have options to present. Listen to them and remain open-minded. Every situation has many possibilities; don't discount any idea just because it isn't yours or because it appears impractical on the surface. It may contain a kernel of a great solution.
If an option offered to you is indeed unacceptable, say so and offer another option in its place. "I wouldn't be willing to negotiate on that, but I would consider doing this instead." If the other party continues to push an option, keep repeating your refusal until your answer is accepted.
Negotiating tips
The other party will be more likely to consider your requests if you do the following:
Break the ice. Take time to establish a friendly relationship before you begin negotiation proceedings. Make small talk and establish positive feelings about one another.
Use 'I' statements. Say, "I would like you to consider this..." or "I need your help..." Remember, you are the one who has the problem and needs the help of the other person.
Be honest and direct. Don't waste your energy being devious. Chances are the other party will see through you, resulting in a loss of your own credibility as well as the other person's respect.
Show appreciation. Recognise what the other person has done for you or will be doing for you. Smile and express your thanks!
Stick to the issue. Don't wander off the subject or allow the other party to direct the discussion to different issues.
Time your discussion. Make your meeting as convenient as possible for everyone involved. Meet in a neutral place or at the place of the other party's choosing. Consider a morning meeting, since most people are more energetic and open to new ideas at this time. Avoid meeting after lunch or late in the day when energy levels tend to drop.
Good luck!
Source: The successful negotiator, p11-13, Interpersonal Communication, Advanced Communication Series, Toastmasters International
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Forthcoming training sessions
Tue 10th May 2011 - 09:00-17:00 hours (refreshments served from 08:30 onwards) - Public speaking: Persuading an audience - Institute of Directors, 116 Pall Mall, London, SW1Y 5ED, United Kingdom - £495 + VAT + expenses (10% discount if confirmed before 31st Mar 2011)
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Poet’s Corner: The Daffodils
Those of you that have attended our public speaking training sessions know the importance of working with words to craft compelling speeches. So, each month, we feature a topical poem or passage that illustrates this point, using lyrical English.
I wander’d lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills
When all at once I saw a crowd
A host of golden daffodils
Beside the lake, beneath the trees
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way
They stretch’d in never ending line
Along the margin of a bay
Ten thousand saw I at a glance
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance
The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee
A poet could not but be gay
In such jocund company!
I gazed – and gazed – but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought
For oft, when on my coach I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude
And then my heart with pleasure fills
And dances with the daffodils
The Daffodils by William Wordsworth (1770-1850)
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Quotations
A good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help another up, Anonymous
Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work, Aristotle (384BC-322BC), Greek critic, philosopher, physicist, & zoologist
Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses, Confucius (551BC-479BC), Chinese philosopher & reformer
You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want, Zig Ziglar, American sales guru
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge, Spike Milligan (1918-2002), British born, Irish comedian
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Alone together
Even in our busy society, loneliness is a growing issue - and a big threat - to health. The late Mother Teresa knew a thing or two about suffering and deprivation and regarded loneliness as 'the most terrible poverty'.
Loneliness is rife in our communities and it exacts just as significant a toll. There is now a growing body of evidence that, as well as being unpleasant, loneliness can influence everything from your odds of developing an alcohol problem or high blood pressure to your changes of succumbing to an early heart attack or surviving cancer.
The link between loneliness and ill health remains poorly understood, but is likely to be rooted in subtle metabolic changes that are compounded by stress, poor access to help and a lack of emotional support. What is clear is that our modern lifestyles are likely to exacerbate the problem. According to The Lonely Society?, a report commissioned by the Mental Health Foundation (MHF), while Britain has never been so crowded, we are spending more time alone.
The combined influence of a falling birth rate, an ageing population and a divorce rate that has doubled over the past half century has resulted in more of us living alone than ever before (12% of households in 2008).
Changing technology has allowed nearly one in ten people in employment to telework, allowing some to pursue more interests at home, but isolating many more. And that same technology - the ubiquitous mobile phone and home entertainment systems - has hastened the demise of focal points in the community such as the pub, club and post office.
Add in today's business culture, where multitasking and working long hours are worn as a badge of honour, and it's all too easy to understand why we are less likely to drop in on a relative or neighbour for a chat. It's not necessarily intentional or premeditated, but its neglect nevertheless.
The MHR surveyed more than 2,000 adults of all ages for The Lonely Society? report and found that a quarter of them reported worrying about being lonely, with one in ten having actively sought help to combat loneliness. Also a third admitted to having a close friend or relative who they thought was 'very lonely' - although the survey didn't extend to what, if anything, they had done about it, more's the pity.
So what can be done about it? Recognising the problem and its impact on our nearest and dearest is a sensible first step. I don't pretend to be any better than the next person when it comes to alleviating loneliness, or to have all the answers.
But I see the knock on effects of loneliness on a daily basis at my surgery and on home visits, and have long been aware that a chat is as good as, if not better than, the latest wonder pill at improving the quality of life of many of my patients.
And you don't need a degree in medicine to dispense your time.
Why we should all be worried about loneliness:
Research shows that lonely people tend to be bad at regulating their lifestyle and are more likely to pursue self-destructive habits such as eating or drinking too much alcohol.
If you are lonely you are less likely to be able to seek emotional support in times of need from others and will suffer more stress as a result
Studies show that lonely people tend not to sleep well. This in turn affects their metabolism and, along with stress, can have a deleterious effect on their cardiovascular and immune systems, raising the risk of heart disease and impairing the ability to fight loneliness.
A study of 3000 nurses with breast cancer found that those with no close friends had a much lower survival rate than those with lots of friends.
Source: Extracts from Alone together by Dr Mark Porter, The Times, Tue 22nd Feb 2011, Body & Soul Health, p9
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